:sigh:

I've never had so much trouble with a post before.

I tried writing a heartfelt story but I couldn't get past the first couple sentences. I tried to write an explanation of what happened, but it's already obvious what happened. I'm not even sure if this iteration of this post is going to work out or not. My mind is just kinda scrambled at the moment.

I've been miserable and cutting myself off from my friends and family, and I lashed out at one of the people that's been there for me time and again simply because she found the humor in a situation when I was too angry and indignant to see it myself.

Did I realize I was being a colossal jackass? No, I kept making it worse like any jackass who doesn't see a helping hand for what it is, and instead attacks the one holding it out. When I calmed down and came back, I found out that my friend was gone. I'd succeeded in pushing away someone who mattered more to me than anything that isn't my family.

A kind of stinging numbness took over. A legitimate worry that I've lost something very important. I haven't been able to eat, sleep or function properly. And this only happened yesterday. Can you imagine what prolonged exposure to this will do to me? Probably teach me not to be an unmitigated asshole to my friends for no reason, but that lesson has been learned.

I'm genuinely worried this is it.

The sight I like

Like a low hanging ceiling, softly lit and threatening collapse, the winter clouds were both peaceful and ominous. - Me.

I just love how low overcast skies look at night during the winter. You're not quite sure if they're going to give us snow or just stay serenely inactive. I don't want to brag, but that up there is essentially poetry. It's also almost 2:30 and I need to get up at 9 for work from 10 to whenever.

Rough Patch

I never like talking about my personal problems on here because it seems more a cry for help than just putting words to (digital) paper and get past it. There's always the option to just keep a journal and not share it with anybody but myself, but isn't that pretty much the same as bottling it all up?

For the last month or so I've just had this depression creeping up on me. It started when it began to get colder at night essentially signaling the end of Summer. I didn't do nearly as much as I had wanted to because I was too worried about wasting my time. It was my Summer vacation! I was supposed to be playing my backlog of video games, watching my backlog of anime and writing every spare minute I had. That didn't happen.

I had a great time on my vacation to Missouri, but I'm kicking myself for not having brought a camera with me. The memories are still fresh and I don't think they'll ever really fade away. Still, it's always nice to look at pictures.

I thought that getting the money for going to college would cheer me up. When that didn't really work I thought for sure that my classes would be engaging and really exciting. They are, but I'm so worried that I won't do well in them that it's sucking out any joy I have for them.

It's really annoying.

I'm also just very lonely. I don't have anybody to really hang out with besides at work. A girlfriend seems to be either impossible or entirely out of the question. I don't know how many times I've heard how great a guy I am and how any girl would be lucky to have me.

Sorry, but I can't stand not having bits of humor in everything. Yes that includes depressing posts about being depressed. And that second owl pic is just freaking hilarious.

Back on topic.

Yeah, I'm just getting really sick of taking a step forward only to find it hasn't gotten me any farther ahead. I'm under the impression that if I had a girlfriend then the pieces I've gathered would suddenly find their places. Maybe if I could get a list of references together of all the girls who've told me how great I am... yeah, no.

I'm not happy. I want to do something about it but everything I've tried lately has failed. Is a victory too much to ask for?

Going back to school. Again!

Shifts In American Literature

Like music and art, literature reflects the many facets of life but it can offer a deeper, more intimate view from the stories told and poetry written. American literature at the turn of the 20th century showed a culture that was hopeful and saw the world in a positive light. Times had been tought before, but perseverance would always see people through to a better life. When the Great War broke out in 1914, America was on the sidelines watching the events unfold. While the literature still adhered to typical structure and subjects, it was undoubtedly heading for a change.

My American Literature professor wrote 'Nice intro' right below that. I was really happy to see that. Especially because of how long it took me to get the right words out for it. It was hard, but it was incredibly rewarding once I'd gotten out the 3 1/2 (I tried pasting a proper 1/2 symbol on here from Word, and I got a five page long error. wow.) pages and turned it in. There were a few other encouraging notes left on the sides and margins as well.

I start school again tomorrow, and while I'm nervous about going back I have a lot more confidence in myself than when I went back last fall.

I'll be taking Japanese, Social Psychology and Cultural Anthropology. I've had my Cultural Anthropology professor twice before so it'll be kind of like going back to an old friend. My other two classes are complete unknowns to me, and I couldn't be more excited for them. So maybe I'm not nervous.

No. I'm nervous :)

And in the end...

Before

We will always wish to go back to before.

It was better then. It was safer and nothing went wrong.

Unfortunately, going back to before also means losing what has gone right in our lives. No matter what may go wrong, it is never worth giving up our 'now' and especially our 'later.'

random comedy bits

(In generic mobster accents)
Tony: Alright, so that's the plan. It's perfect. Like a working clock.
Johnny: Don't you mean "like clockwork?
Tony: Is that semantics I hear Johnny? Splittin' hairs? Pickin' nits?
Johnny: ...don't you mean "nitpicking"?
Tony: That's it. You're dead.

Jacob: Cool. We'll all meet up tonight around anti-noon.
Tim: You mean midnight?
Jacob: Why, what did I say?
Tim: Anti-noon-:smack:
Jacob: Exactly!

Kid Rock issued a press release the other day. Apparently, after years of a severe lack of creativity, he has run out of ways to rip off Lynyrd Skynyrd songs. He will now start ripping off artists that have themselves ripped off Lynyrd Skynyrd. The first song of his to reflect this change will be "All Next Summer Long" with a chorus of "-singin' "Werewolves of London" all summer long"

I have impeccably bad timing. You could set your broken watch to me.

(In a smarmy, fast talking door to door salesman/agent accent)
"I gotta tell ya kid, these are great! Y'put the spicy salt on the fries and made 'em all spicy. They're just great! They're spicy, they're fries, what do ya call 'em kid? Wait! I got it! We'll call 'em Spicy Fries! The marketing practically writes itself! We'll sell a million of 'em kid, no doubt!

(This actually happened)
(Banquets Manager) Julie: Oh, I see you got your ears lowered.
(My Boss) Brandon: I did.
(Me) Kelly: He got his hair cut too. I'm surprised you didn't notice that first.

I am in an alarmingly bad mood. I'd say somewhere between 'rip off your head' and 'rip off your head and do something unspeakable to it'.

Brandon: Kelly, you can't put N/A for "Interacts with People"

Brandon: Kelly, are you grumpy?
Kelly: Right now?
Brandon: Well, have you been grumpy lately?
Kelly: I'm guessing that since you've asked me into your office and shut the door the answer to that should be "Yes."
Brandon: It's just that some of the banquet people have been saying that you've been snappy at them.
Kelly: I could see that yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. Look, I know it can get really annoying sometimes. Hell, just today Mike and I went into the walk-in to cool down and scream. I'm just saying maybe you should try that too.
Kelly: Okay. But, are they aware that they're the reason I'm grumpy and snappy at them?
Brandon: Haha, yeah, that's a good one.

This is funny with my friends and I at work. Whether or not it's funny beyond that is of little concern to me :)