A speech about me?

Surely the title jests? Nope.

School has started back up and I already have an assignment for one of my classes. The one I'm going to share is from my speech class. We had to write a two minute maximum speech to read in front of the class, and this is mine. I timed it to 1:25 in an uninterrupted somewhat speedy recital, so I should fit neatly within that two minute marker.

And just so we're clear, the :rimshot: denotes an actual rimshot that I will be playing at that point in my speech. Oh yeah, I'm going all out.


When some of you look at me, I’m sure that what you may see is a shiftless guy in his early 20’s, coasting through life and is only in this class because it’s a pre-req for the AA he wants. Well, you’d be wrong. I’m in my late 20’s. :rimshot:

I’m not any of those other things either, but the joke wouldn’t work otherwise.

I’m 28, I like to read, watch TV, and write. I even came in first place in the poetry division for LitFest back in May. I play video games but not nearly as much as I used to, and I play guitar. I also like to watch anime and read manga. Not the kind some of you may be thinking of, just so we’re clear. That’s not really important, but it’s important to me.

I work at Red Lion in Kennewick as a dish washer, and though I hate my job sometimes, it has taught me some valuable lessons. One of those lessons I even thought up myself; everything is a mess, it’s just a matter of how organized it is. If you saw the place after I’ve been gone a couple days then you’d know what I mean.

Okay seriously though, I don’t like to take much seriously. I’m perfectly capable of doing so, but I feel that if humor can legitimately be found in a serious situation then it shouldn’t be ignored. It shouldn’t be unceremoniously trotted about either, but if you’ve been through enough crap in your life you’ll eventually learn the correct timing for such a thing. And a well placed rimshot, literal or otherwise, doesn’t hurt.


I like what I've got there, so all that's left now is to let my natural showmanship shine through and deliver one hell of a performance. It should be great!

note: If I should bomb, let's all pretend this never happened.

Wrong numbers are funny things

I have to warn those of you who are averse to swearing and practically non-existent grammar because the following blog post contains both, and will not be edited. I've got to preserve this for posterity after all.

When I was at work today I received a phone call from an unknown number. I answered just to be sure it wasn't somebody I knew, and it wasn't. The caller asked for 'B', and I informed her she had the wrong phone number. When I didn't hear a response I hung up. I thought nothing more of it and went back to cleaning.

Not wanting to listen to the radio anymore, I used a small set of speakers we have at work and hooked them up to my iPhone to listen to Pandora (I'll need to do a separate post about that bit of nonsense). About 20 minutes in, the song that was on started to skip. I chalked it up to the wifi acting up, but when I went to look at the artist currently playing, I saw the following:

Unknown number: So now ur fuckin that ugly fat bitch... Fuck u Brian, ur a bitch in my eyes now. Live ur life without me now, forget u ever even knew me Brian... I hope ur happy now, and getting whatever the fuck i didnt give u. I dislike u so much and wish i would have never even knew u. U have broken me so bad, and i hope ur happy for that u mutherfucker.

Now, I can only assume this young lady is upset. About what exactly, I don't know, but it obviously has something to do with Brian. Maybe even the previously mentioned 'B'. Possibly. I replied of course:

Me: Uh, this isn't Brian. Sorry he made you so mad, but you might want to get the number right next time.

I had a feeling this wouldn't be enough to persuade her I wasn't the Brian she was looking for, or to stop texting me. I was correct.

Upset girl: Oh i got the number right bitch... I know u guys are fuckin, he puts it out there that this is his phone too... I know u'll relay this to him sence guys are together now. I hope he brakes u the way he has done me everyone of his other gurls. I hope u guys have a good life of hell together.

Well now, whatever this Brian hath wrought upon this poor girl must have been a real doozy. I didn't want her to continue to waste her energy on somebody that didn't deserve it however, so I called the number and left a nice message that went something like this, though it's not verbatim.

Me again: Hey, this is the guy who's number you keep texting. Like I said before, I'm not Brian and I don't know who he is. I'm sorry that he's given you so much grief. But hey, life can be like that sometimes and you really shouldn't let it get you down. Please though, stop texting me. I mean, I've got a pretty high limit anyway, but like I said, I'm not Brian. Laters.

Just to be absolutely sure, I took the following picture and texted that to her.



















The phone call and the picture seemed to be enough, because I got another text a few minutes later.

Calmer girl: Ok, Im Wrong... I Got The Numbers Mixed Up. Im So Sorry and Am So Embarrassed. Please Forgive Me About All This? It Wont Happen Again... Sorry

Apparently she was sorry enough to capitalize all but one of the words. It was an honest mistake, and I replied as such.

Me: It's okay. I hope you get the bastard good if he is cheating on you though. Have a nice day :)

Her: U too! Sorry about that once again.

Obviously I won't share the number, but I also won't share the name of the poor girl who felt the need to so vocally (textually?) lash out at whoever this asshole Brian is, or 'B' as his friends and loved ones like to call him. If only all wrong numbers could be this hilarious.