:sigh:

I've never had so much trouble with a post before.

I tried writing a heartfelt story but I couldn't get past the first couple sentences. I tried to write an explanation of what happened, but it's already obvious what happened. I'm not even sure if this iteration of this post is going to work out or not. My mind is just kinda scrambled at the moment.

I've been miserable and cutting myself off from my friends and family, and I lashed out at one of the people that's been there for me time and again simply because she found the humor in a situation when I was too angry and indignant to see it myself.

Did I realize I was being a colossal jackass? No, I kept making it worse like any jackass who doesn't see a helping hand for what it is, and instead attacks the one holding it out. When I calmed down and came back, I found out that my friend was gone. I'd succeeded in pushing away someone who mattered more to me than anything that isn't my family.

A kind of stinging numbness took over. A legitimate worry that I've lost something very important. I haven't been able to eat, sleep or function properly. And this only happened yesterday. Can you imagine what prolonged exposure to this will do to me? Probably teach me not to be an unmitigated asshole to my friends for no reason, but that lesson has been learned.

I'm genuinely worried this is it.