random comedy bits

(In generic mobster accents)
Tony: Alright, so that's the plan. It's perfect. Like a working clock.
Johnny: Don't you mean "like clockwork?
Tony: Is that semantics I hear Johnny? Splittin' hairs? Pickin' nits?
Johnny: ...don't you mean "nitpicking"?
Tony: That's it. You're dead.

Jacob: Cool. We'll all meet up tonight around anti-noon.
Tim: You mean midnight?
Jacob: Why, what did I say?
Tim: Anti-noon-:smack:
Jacob: Exactly!

Kid Rock issued a press release the other day. Apparently, after years of a severe lack of creativity, he has run out of ways to rip off Lynyrd Skynyrd songs. He will now start ripping off artists that have themselves ripped off Lynyrd Skynyrd. The first song of his to reflect this change will be "All Next Summer Long" with a chorus of "-singin' "Werewolves of London" all summer long"

I have impeccably bad timing. You could set your broken watch to me.

(In a smarmy, fast talking door to door salesman/agent accent)
"I gotta tell ya kid, these are great! Y'put the spicy salt on the fries and made 'em all spicy. They're just great! They're spicy, they're fries, what do ya call 'em kid? Wait! I got it! We'll call 'em Spicy Fries! The marketing practically writes itself! We'll sell a million of 'em kid, no doubt!

(This actually happened)
(Banquets Manager) Julie: Oh, I see you got your ears lowered.
(My Boss) Brandon: I did.
(Me) Kelly: He got his hair cut too. I'm surprised you didn't notice that first.

I am in an alarmingly bad mood. I'd say somewhere between 'rip off your head' and 'rip off your head and do something unspeakable to it'.

Brandon: Kelly, you can't put N/A for "Interacts with People"

Brandon: Kelly, are you grumpy?
Kelly: Right now?
Brandon: Well, have you been grumpy lately?
Kelly: I'm guessing that since you've asked me into your office and shut the door the answer to that should be "Yes."
Brandon: It's just that some of the banquet people have been saying that you've been snappy at them.
Kelly: I could see that yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. Look, I know it can get really annoying sometimes. Hell, just today Mike and I went into the walk-in to cool down and scream. I'm just saying maybe you should try that too.
Kelly: Okay. But, are they aware that they're the reason I'm grumpy and snappy at them?
Brandon: Haha, yeah, that's a good one.

This is funny with my friends and I at work. Whether or not it's funny beyond that is of little concern to me :)